


The Heterosexual Club

by Chikabow



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Crack at times, Gen, Light Angst, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-19 01:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17592443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chikabow/pseuds/Chikabow
Summary: Sangyeon, Jaehyun and Juyeon have a select recreational club: The Heterosexual Club. Sunwoo and Eric want in. Before the whole affair, Haknyeon’s curious nature gets the best of him.





	1. Chapter 1

"Sunwoo? Do you read me? Over.” Eric whispered into the device he held.

 

“Yes. Are you tailing Juyeon?” He heard Sunwoo whisper back.

 

“I am. But you have to do the ‘over’ thing at the end. Over.”

 

“No, I won’t.” 

 

Eric could see Sunwoo’s killjoy expression as if he stood in front of him.

 

“You’re no fun. What good are walkie-talkies for if you’re not saying ‘over’?” Eric complained.

 

“Eric, focus. Don’t let Juyeon find the walkie-talkie. Report back when you have any important intel. Bye.”

 

Eric groaned to the walkie-talkie in hopes that Sunwoo would feel his frustration. He dropped the device in his coat’s deep pocket. He wondered why would the coat have such a large pockets, but soon after getting it, he discovered their utility. Sometimes they weren’t so nice, though. In the cold winter months, the members would drop countless items in them. Even worse, they’d mock his figure: a tiny Eric engulfed by a gigantic coat and weighing, bulging pockets.  _ The audacity _ … He thought.

 

“Eric?” Hyunjoon called out from further ahead. He and Juyeon were staring at him. Eric realised he stood in the middle of the street.

 

“Shit, did they see it?” Eric muttered to himself while sprinting. 

 

If they did, they didn’t comment on it. Instead, they resumed their walk to the convenience store right around the corner. True to its name, it provided an accessible refuge, or simply an excuse to leave the dorm and let off some steam. On the same block, it was the only place they were allowed to go unsupervised. 

 

Juyeon asked if anyone needed anything from the store, and no one but Hyunjoon responded. Eric, tasked with tracking all of Juyeon’s movements, offered to accompany them.

 

The other two entered the store and went their separate ways, both knowing what they had gone there to buy. Eric followed Hyunjoon as to not raise suspicion. He didn’t need to keep an eye on Juyeon in-store, he’d be able to see what he bought outside.

 

“So, are you suddenly into Juyeon or something?” Hyunjoon asked with an indifferent look. Eric knew better than to trust that façade. If he learned anything while living in the dorm, it was to fear Hyunjoon’s grasp on everyone’s businesses. He’d use that to his advantage when the time came. 

 

Still, indifference was all but what Eric felt hearing that question.

 

“What?! No!” He blurted out probably louder than he should have.

 

“You’ve been staring at him all day, and when he announces he’s leaving, you’re quick to follow him. I’d say that at least warrants the question.”

 

Hyunjoon fiddled with the batteries on the stand, checking the prices of each brand.

 

“No, I’m not! I’m straight.” 

 

“Sure.” Hyunjoon answered Eric’s spontaneous declaration. “Do you think there’s really any difference between these? I don’t wanna just pay for the brand when-”

 

“What do you mean sure?” Eric realized he had to calm down. Such emotional reactions would only raise more suspicion.

 

“Sure, I’ll take your word for it. Forget I asked.” Hyunjoon picked up the medium range batteries. It was a nice compromise; he wasn’t buying bad quality batteries and didn’t spend excessive amounts of money.

 

They joined up with Juyeon who asked, “Why is Eric so heated?”

 

Both looked at each other searching for an excuse. Eric was the first one to speak up, “Hyunjoon took seven hours to choose some batteries.”

 

Juyeon looked puzzled.

 

“Yes. My thorough price-quality analysis of all the batteries available annoyed Eric. He didn’t even answer when I asked for his opinion.” Hyunjoon smirked which further irked Eric.

 

“What’s with you kids today?” Juyeon asked turning around, not waiting for an answer. He headed to the register.

 

“Don’t get so fiery next to  _ him _ , it makes you seem childish.” Hyunjoon teased with a grin. An evil grin if you asked Eric.

 

To him, it sounded like a totally absurd theory. Sure, Eric visibly adored Juyeon; but as a big brother. Eric admired and looked up to him as a role model. Not a target of romantic affection. Eric wanted to be as cool as Juyeon. Have that aura of gentleness, but being imposing at the same time. One almost feels unfit to be even in his presence, all the more interact with him.

 

Eric wasn’t too fond of his brash nature. It lead him to trouble several times. It also didn’t work in his favor in situations like the one that had just occurred. How can he seem credible if he can’t control his temper? But on the other hand, being a vivid and approachable person made Eric proud of himself. Maybe aiming for a middle ground between him and Juyeon would be best.

 

Stepping outside to calm down while the other two paid, Eric took out his transreceiver. 

 

“Sunwoo, do you copy?”

 

“Yes, what is it?”

 

“Hyunjoon’s being annoying and teasing me.”

 

“You’re contacting me to say that?” Sunwoo asked.

 

“You’re my friend you’re supposed to care about my feelings. But fine, Juyeon... Let me peek into the store to see what he’s buying.”

 

“Why aren’t you inside the store with them?”

 

“I was!” Eric complained, “But Hyunjoon was bullying me so I came outside. And I wouldn’t risk using the walkie-talkie in the store, near them.”

 

Eric glanced at the inside of the store.

 

“I think Juyeon only bought a big ass bottle of coke and some cheetos? He’s gonna hear it if he’s caught with that. And Hyunjoon is only buying his fucking batteries.”

 

“Why are you telling me what Hyunjoon is buying? And why are you so mad at the batteries?”

 

“Ugh, you’re all so unsympathetic and annoying today! What did I even do?” Eric did not wait for an answer, as he thought he might’ve not liked it, “I suppose Juyeon’s buying that for the club meeting. What are Jaehyun and Sangyeon up to?”

 

“Sangyeon is in the club room. Jaehyun is with Jacob. They’re playing guitar and singing so they have the door closed. I can’t know what he’s up to unless he comes o-”

 

_ What’s that? _

 

Was what Eric heard last. Someone had caught Sunwoo with the transreceiver. Eric prayed it were someone completely uninvested in their plots.

 

“Let’s go.” Eric heard Juyeon say. 

 

Nearly caught himself, Eric fumbled the transreceiver into his pocket.

  
  


\---

 

“What’s that?” Haknyeon asked, scaring Sunwoo.

 

“AHHH!” Sunwoo hid the transreceiver behind his back, “Nothing.”

 

“Come on, I saw you talking into something that wasn’t a phone.” Haknyeon tried to convince Sunwoo to show him what he hid. “Is it a walkie-talkie?! Oh my God! Fun!”

 

Sunwoo shushed him.

 

“Fine, what’s so secretive about this?” Haknyeon asked, squatting, clearly displeased with Sunwoo’s crudeness.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Don’t you wanna be lowkey? Get down here.” Haknyeon instructed. 

 

Sunwoo complied, “This is all but lowkey, but ok.”

 

“Who were you talking to?”

 

“Eric. Now leave. You’re attracting too much attention.” Sunwoo ordered.

 

That instruction went ignored.

 

“Where did you get those?”

 

“At a toy store - why do you care? Leave. Go. Depart.”

 

Still disregarding Sunwoo’s commands, Haknyeon interrogated further, “What are you guys doing? What’s this special spying mission? Who are you spying on?!” Each question more enthusiastic than the one before.

 

“If it is secret, what makes you think I will tell you?”

 

“Fine. Fine! I’ll leave you alone.” Haknyeon got up in defeat, “Gosh, everyone’s on edge today… We should all go to a spa or something…

 

Sunwoo let his body hit the ground, resting from the crouching. He let out a sigh of relief. 

 

_ Hopefully Haknyeon won’t talk about this to anyone. _

 

\---

 

“Sit normally. Stop ruining the couch.” Sangyeon chided, passing by on his way to the room.

 

Eric and Sunwoo obliged. Whispering, they began conspiring again,

 

“Where are the other two?” Eric asked.

 

“I think Jaehyun is in the bathroom and Juyeon in the kitchen.”

 

“How are we gonna enter, though? I don’t think we can sneak in.” Eric pondered.

 

“If we sneak in, we won’t be able to participate. And that’s… well, the main objective.” Sunwoo pointed out.

 

The two stayed still, hard at work thinking of a way. Neither could come up with a plan. If they wanted to take part in the club, the only way was the front door. Deceiving the club members would only hurt their cause.

 

“Let’s just try our luck.” Eric yielded.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Let’s just ask them to let us in. Your birthday wasn’t too long ago. Let’s try to use that as an argument.”

 

“We could be thirty and they still wouldn’t let us in. But sure, we have nothing to lose and no other plan.”

  
  
  


\---

 

“Let’s begin our meeting!” Sangyeon announced.

 

With Juyeon crossing the threshold, Eric and Sunwoo made a run for it. Just in the last moment, Eric managed to stop the door from closing with his foot. Juyeon opened the door and stared at them. His glare already transmitted the “what do you want?” question.

 

“Can we join you?” Sunwoo asked.

 

“No. Take your foot out.” Juyeon ordered.

 

“But we’re also straight! Please!” Sunwoo pleaded.

 

“That’s not the only requisite!” They heard Jaehyun say from inside the room.

 

“Exactly. Now out with you, children.”

 

Eric and Sunwoo stared at the closed door, disappointed.

 

“Let’s just give up.” Eric said, leaving for his room. Sunwoo followed.

 

Closing the door behind them, they each occupied an end of the bottom bunk. 

 

Eric gazed at his locked phone. Eric’s curiosity lied in what they did in that club. It wasn’t a question of stating his sexuality before the other members; it never had been. He only wanted to hang out with them. Well, if they didn’t want him there, he’d have to oblige.

 

“You know what?” Eric interrupted the silence.

 

“What?”

 

“They don’t want us there, right?”

 

“It would seem so.” Sunwoo confirmed what he thought obvious.

 

“Then let’s stop trying to get in.”

 

“Yeah, I suppose that’s for the best.”

 

“But! We’re not giving up without at least knowing what goes down there!” Eric exclaimed. Easier said than done, he thought.

 

After a hum of acknowledgement by Sunwoo, the room became silent. Each doing their thing on their phones. Sunwoo, though, wasn’t really in the mood to just sit around staring at his phone aimlessly. The frustration of not being able to enter the club didn’t bother him much, was it even that big of a frustration? Doing nothing drove him crazy. He looked at Eric who seemed entertained. He focused on Eric’s lips. He’d never given much attention to them. Even if Eric was his best friend, Sunwoo didn’t exactly spend much time analyzing his features. 

 

Sunwoo crawled next to Eric. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Instead of answering, Sunwoo simply stared at Eric’s lips. He felt spellbound; he had no control over himself nor could he realize what he was doing. Sunwoo brought a hand to Eric’s face, making him face him and he brought his lips to Eric’s. 

 

The kiss was quick, chaste. But it shattered the spell completely, leaving Sunwoo to face reality once again.

 

“What are you doing?! Uhm... we're straight. I’m straight! I’m straight!” Eric recited as if it were a mantra. “I’m straight!” 

 

He was. Sunwoo kissed him, not the other way around. There was nothing to overthink there, nothing to make him as panicked as he felt. Except he didn’t pull back. He didn’t push Sunwoo away.

  
“Of course. This was just a mistake. We're.. just desperate. I’m-” Sunwoo backpedalled, clearly horrified with what he had just done.

 

Eric could take that. Blaming their desperation seemed like a great solution. At least in the short term. He could not deny his own frustration.

 

“Yeah, we have needs. It was just an experiment. It didn't mean anything.” Eric latched onto that excuse. They had to establish that, make themselves believe it. Then, they could both accept it and move on.

 

Sunwoo recoiled into the opposite corner of the bed, frightened. He could not understand what had drove him to do that. He damned the spell he’d been cast under. He cursed it simply disappearing, leaving him to face the consequences of his actions. “Exactly. It’s not like there’s any girls around here. Let's just pretend it never happened.” It sounded stupid. He couldn’t convince even himself with that. 

  
“Right, because that always works.” Haknyeon’s voice sounded out in the room. Eric and Sunwoo quickly turned their attention to the door.

  
“AH, WHAT THE FUCK?” They screamed in unison.

  
“What? It's just me.”

  
“For how long have you been there?” Eric asked, hoping he hadn’t seen all of it.

  
“Just the last 20 seconds or so.”

 

“What are you doing here?” Sunwoo stepped off the bed, erratic, away from the crime scene. It felt like he’d transgressed and stood there like a fool, waiting to be caught. He had, in fact, been caught. Not only was he snared by his inner turmoils, Eric and Haknyeon had witnessed it as well.

 

“I came here to get something Chanhee asked me to get him. But instead I got two kids running back into the closet.” 

 

“WHAT? I’M NOT-” Sunwoo stopped and lowered his voice,”in. the. closet.” Sunwoo felt rage seething in his veins. He was not happy with Haknyeon, but that rage was mostly directed at himself. He put his trembling index finger to Haknyeon’s chest, “I’m not. gay. You better keep your mouth shut, you creep.” With that, he left the room running.

  
“HEY I'M NOT A CREEP!” Haknyeon yelled out into the hallway. He looked back inside, at Eric.  He was visibly upset. Not as much as Sunwoo, though. Sunwoo was completely shaken. 

 

“Leave me alone, please.” Eric requested. 

 

“Ok. If you need someone to talk to, you can come to me.” Haknyeon offered, not taking his eyes off a dejected Eric until he closed the door.

 

_ This is gonna be troublesome.  _


	2. Chapter 2

The day had gone by quickly. Everyone lounged around the house doing this and that, no one ever settling for too long in the same spot. So… routine. They always used the days after a promotional cycle to do nothing. The thought of moving alone frightened them.

 

It was not as if schedules had ended, but they certainly subdued considerably. They deemed no longer having to record at least a performance a day, going to studio after studio, a huge relief.

 

Haknyeon loved performing more than anything else, but as with anything, when it becomes excessive, it is no longer enjoyable. So, watching his colleagues and friends lazing around in comfortable, baggy clothes, certainly helped him unwind.

 

Two in particular captured his attention that day. Eric and Sunwoo, naturally.

 

The first thing Haknyeon noticed was that they spent the least time possible together. When they were in the same place, though, the awkwardness was painfully obvious. Whoever noticed, did not comment on it. However, Haknyeon couldn’t help but to find that a little sad. Eric and Sunwoo’s friendship was one of the strongest in the group. He couldn’t have such bond collapse for something as little as that one kiss.

 

Realizing that, Haknyeon swore to himself he’d do the possible and impossible to prevent it.

 

In his opinion, the problem did not lie in the kiss itself, but what it meant. What it meant in terms of feelings for each other, he could not know unless any of them opened up about it. So, he decided to focus on what it meant for themselves. Questioning one’s sexuality is never fun, especially when alone. In that matter he could help them. Well, he could help Eric. Sunwoo was much more inaccessible. And from what Haknyeon could gather, Sunwoo didn’t want to talk to him, much less about something as tormentous as that matter seemed to be.

 

Haknyeon realised he shouldn’t have stayed there as long as he did. But he was genuinely shocked. He always saw them as great friends, nothing more. They never showed any signs of being attracted to guys. He thought that enough to justify his stillness. It was nothing creepy like Sunwoo alleged. The last thing he’d actively seek to see would be Eric and Sunwoo kissing. 

 

Still, he understood why Sunwoo felt like that. Whenever Sunwoo came around, there’d be no hard feelings.

 

However, he could never catch Eric alone. He spent most of the day playing those football and basketball games of his. He had multiple people volunteering to oppose him, Haknyeon one of those. But he clearly seemed out of it. Not so out of it that he would lose to Haknyeon; he’d never quite gotten the hang of those video games.

 

So by the time Eric left, Haknyeon hadn’t been able to advance his cause. Maybe it was for the best to let Eric ruminate on the matter for a while longer, Haknyeon figured.

  
  


\---

 

The moments of relaxation always seemed a tad bit too short. Often times Eric would catch himself questioning if he made the right choice when he chose to debut as an idol. The idol life has a lot of perks, but a much larger list of disadvantages. The workload and lack of rest of the first years were the things that afflicted Eric the most. But, even in those times where he got backstage, fell asleep in the car or finally got to his bed sore and exhausted, he never truly regretted it. He did what he loved and got to meet his best friends; eleven brothers.

 

Well…  one of those eleven had his fraternity card suspended.

 

Since the day before, the event would not leave his thoughts. Even looking around, seeing Juyeon and Sangyeon animatedly talking or Changmin conversing with Sunwoo in the back, he could not forget it. Sunwoo was always there. Whenever their eyes met, they’d panickedly look elsewhere. 

 

And Eric hated that.

 

It had only been a day, but he missed his best friend terribly. He wanted to be with Sunwoo normally again. He didn’t want any of that mess. He did not even know what he felt. But oh well, what better time to think than on a car ride? So he thought.

 

Did he like Sunwoo? He loved Sunwoo, but he’d never seen that love as something romantic. It was purely platonic. But then that conviction was shattered. Could he discard the possibility of liking him? Not as long as he felt this confused.

 

 _Him_. Since when was Eric into guys..? Maybe that matter would be best if left undiscussed. His attraction to girls was pretty certain however. All this confusion frustrated him immensely, and with no way to let it out, he banged his fist against the car door. The car went silent then, waking Eric up from his little bubble. Everyone stared at him confusedly.

 

“You alright, Eric?” Sangyeon asked, next to him.

 

“Yeah…” Eric struggled momentarily to justify his outburst, “I was aloof and thought I saw a spider there, so I acted without thinking. Sorry”

 

Sangyeon hummed in response, showing that he was doubtful but not worried enough to pursue any further. Soon, everyone resumed talking - Sunwoo and Changmin’s voices in the back, Juyeon, Sangyeon and the manager’s from somewhere in the front and side. 

 

_ Ignore them and pull yourself together. This is not the time for a breakdown. Don’t let your emotions take ahold of you like this. _

  
  


\---

  
  


With the others gone for a radio show, Haknyeon, Jacob, Chanhee and Kevin were left to fend for themselves. While that could have several outputs, they agreed that it was best to just do some instant noodles. Sangyeon had temporarily banned at least Chanhee and Kevin from cooking. Haknyeon wasn’t too sure about himself or Jacob. Sangyeon’s prohibitions were too many to keep count or take seriously.

 

Kevin finished preparing his and sat at the table with them. For a moment, they all kept quiet, entertained with the food in front of them. One of the things Haknyeon liked the most about living with the guys had to be that simplicity. When it was just a few of them at night, the room in which they were acquired a very cozy atmosphere. Such coziness invited serious or more personal conversations.

 

“So guys…” Haknyeon broke the silence, “do you see anything weird with Eric or Sunwoo?” He asked. He had been thinking if he should ask someone else for their opinion, He concluded that yes. Even if they were all clueless and the question made them become more observant in the future, they wouldn’t be able to pick up on anything that had gone down with them.

 

“No.” “Not really.” Kevin and Jacob answered.

 

They all looked at Chanhee.

 

“Do you mean  _ with _ them or  _ between _ them?” He asked, suggesting he knew something more. Haknyeon wondered if there were different things he had not picked up on.

 

“Both, I guess.”

 

“With them… Nothing out of the ordinary, I suppose. At least with Eric.”

 

“And what do you mean between them?” Kevin asked, much more interested in the conversation.

 

“So none of you noticed anything?” Chanhee pulled a surprised expression, “Then I don’t know if I should tell you anything.”

 

“No! Now you’re telling us.” Jacob demanded.

 

“Ok, ok, fine.”

 

“He only said that to pretend he cares about their privacy. You can see he’s dying to gossip.” Kevin joked, receiving a glare from Chanhee, who quickly disregarded the comment, 

 

“The pining? Do you guys not see it?”

 

The other three stared at him, expressionless. Chanhee took it as a cue to elaborate, “Well they’re not head over heels for each other, but there’s definitely something suspicious going on between them.”

 

“Define suspicious.”

 

“I can’t define it that clearly because I’m really not sure. There are little things that make me believe they might like each other. Then there are moments where I think they’re just gay and not into each other. But there are also times where it doesn’t seem either of those two things are true.”

 

“To be honest, I never noticed anything like that.” Kevin said.

 

“I guess it comes with rooming with Eric. He has a lot of trouble dealing with his emotions and I can see when he’s doing better or worse. Even being as explosive as he is, he can still suffer in silence. Whatever is going with those two is easily correctable, though. I don’t know what’s taking them so long.”

 

“The desperate grip onto heterosexuality?” Haknyeon offered, making the others laugh.

 

“They’re torturing themselves for nothing. These situations are so irritating.” Chanhee let out a groan of annoyance. “These  _ ‘hets’  _ can be so frustrating.”

 

“Hey!” Jacob protested.

 

“Not you Jacob, you’re adorable.” Kevin reassured him in English, patting his back.

 

“Is he flirting? That seemed flirty.” Chanhee asked Haknyeon,

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“We’re not!” Jacob objected, “Weren’t Eric and Sunwoo the subject of the conversation?”

 

“Right, so, several questions pop out.” Chanhee used the opportunity to lay out the problematic he’d been thinking about alone, “Are they themselves aware? I think at least Eric is. Then, do they know the other knows as well? Why do they persist on trying to get in the HC?”

 

“The HC?” Jacob inquired.

 

“Heterosexual Club.” Haknyeon clarified.

 

“The what now?”

 

“It’s this meeting thing where Sangyeon, Juyeon and Jaehyun… act like hets, I suppose.” Kevin explained.

 

“Why does that exist? Why is it named that? And why am I always so out of the loop in this house?” 

 

“Do you think they do it together?” Chanhee asked but no one caught on to what he meant. “You know, masturb-”

 

“CHANHEE WHAT THE FUCK?” Jacob interrupted him, shocked.

 

“What? It’s the ultimate bro experience.”

 

“I mean… In something called ‘Heterosexual Club’, it’s not too ludicrous to assume they’re watching porn.” Kevin admitted the possibility.

 

“Guys, we’re digressing. We’re not here to discuss their masturbatory habits.” Haknyeon tried to reel back in the conversation towards original theme.

 

Jacob let out a resigned sigh, “How… do you say that… so nonchalantly? I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight.”

Patting his back, Kevin reassured Jacob, ”Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be fine.” He got up and stacked his and Jacob’s bowls.”If it gets too bad, you can always call me and I’ll come cuddle you.”

 

“Haha.” Jacob faked a laugh.

 

Chanhee followed Kevin’s lead and they both disappeared into the kitchen.

 

“Hey, Jacob. They don’t do that, don’t worry.”

 

“Of course they don’t do that. That’s the least heterosexual thing ever.”

 

“The name could be a cover, though.”

 

“Have you met them? Their whole existence screams het; there’s no way they’re not straight. Regardless, what worries me is how much goes on in this house that I don’t notice.” Jacob got up. “I think I’m gonna ask the manager to do a live. Need to clear my head and I haven’t done one in a while. Wanna join?”

 

“I think I’ll pass. Go woo them Mr. Soft Boyfriend.”

 

 

\---

  
  
  


After recording the radio show, Sunwoo saw Younghoon go outside. 

 

Sunwoo considered Younghoon to be one of the better candidates to talk to. The whole ordeal put Sunwoo under a lot of stress and he wouldn’t think of anything else. He’d never outright say what had happened, nor would he hint at it, but maybe, talking vaguely about it with someone would help. 

 

With the others out of earshot, Sunwoo decided to try it. He rushidly told the manager that he would be keeping company to Younghoon outside and ran out the door of the radio station. He saw Younghoon lying against the wall, writing something on his phone. Slowing down his pace, he carefully approached Younghoon as if the other were dangerous.

 

“Hyung,” Sunwoo called him, “say… there’s something you need to do but…” He struggled to find the right words. He couldn’t afford a single slip-up. “...Never mind.” Sunwoo backtracked, turning away to join the others inside again.

 

Locking his phone’s screen, Younghoon held Sunwoo’s arm, stopping him from walking away. “Don’t run away. What’s bothering you?” Younghoon put the phone in his pocket.

 

_ What’s bothering me?? Where to start? Maybe with the fact that I kissed a fucking guy? _

 

“Nothing really.”

 

Younghoon wasn’t one to be fooled easily but Sunwoo hoped he could cut that conversation short. He knew how persistent the other could be.

 

“Sunwoo, you’re a terrible liar. Talk it out.”

 

“I’m ok, really. It was just a dumb scenario.” Sunwoo tried to dodge again.

 

“If you hold it in you’ll get all fidgety and short-tempered. You already are.”

 

That was true. Sunwoo knew he got very annoying when anxious. It made sense for Younghoon to try and avoid that. Once again, Sunwoo cursed his hotheaded nature. He just wanted to obliterate whatever barrier stood between his heart and brain. No matter how convicted that not being straight was perfectly fine, something inside him repudiated the idea. Regarding others, Sunwoo couldn’t care less for which team they played. But when it came to himself, the mere theorization was met with immediate rejection and revolt.

 

Mustering courage, Sunwoo continued his ‘hypothetical’ scenario, “So… imagine you need to do something; but you really don’t wanna. In fact, just the thought of doing it makes you feel sick to the stomach. But if you don’t do it- sure, you can try to ignore it, but it’ll never go away. It’ll always stay there, disturbing you.”

 

“With such a vague scenario, I can only give you a vague answer. If you do that thing, will you feel better? Will that worry simply dissipate? If so, then you should consider doing it. Besides, that type of things are only hard to start. Once you finish doing whatever you have to do, you’ll probably look back at yourself and think ‘why was I so scared?’ Sometimes all it takes is that bit of courage to act.”

 

Younghoon had a point. Analyzing rationally, Sunwoo knew he just had to confront it. Several comments he read on various forum threads said the same thing. Once people accepted themselves and came out, an enormous weight would lift from them. He even had examples from people close to him. Members of the group had come out to each other before. The group dynamic never changed. If anything, it became stronger. Those cases ought to impact Sunwoo more than what some random people online said.

 

“Younghoon! Sunwoo! Come on, we’re leaving!” Changmin called out.

 

“Did that help in any way?” Younghoon asked.

 

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll think on it.”

 

“If someday you feel like sharing, you can do it with me.” Younghoon said, starting to walk towards the others, “I’ll be able to advise you better if I know what the situation really is.” 

 

Sunwoo nodded and followed behind Younghoon.

 

_ It’s gonna be a long night... _


	3. Chapter 3

A week passed since the incident and Sunwoo and Eric had gone back to normal. At least it seemed so to Haknyeon. They acted like nothing had happened. Haknyeon wondered if they had talked it out or if they simply silently agreed on ignoring it. Most probably the latter.

 

In the meanwhile, Chanhee was the only person Haknyeon talked to about the situation (never mentioning what he had witnessed). Being roommates with Eric, he could pick up on more things than Haknyeon. To his frustration, Eric hadn’t even alluded to the issue. Chanhee was as clueless as him.

 

Their two-week break was only midways so the club guys used the opportunity to gather more often. And just to their luck, they were holding a meeting that day. From one side of the living room, Eric and Sunwoo studied their movements carefully, trying to concoct a plan, no doubt. In turn, Chanhee and Haknyeon examined their behaviour from the other side. 

 

“You think they’re making a move today?” Chanhee asked.

 

“I think so. They look determined to get in one way or another.”

 

“Determined or  _ desperate _ ?” Chanhee snickered.

 

“Definitely the latter. But maybe it is what they need, you know?”

 

“How so? They need to keep ignoring it and keep up the façade?”

 

“No. They do need to accept themselves, but maybe… they need to get confronted.”

 

“With what? Don’t forget they’re also into girls. It’s not like whatever goes down in there will gross them out of the closet.”

 

“Right. I don’t know.” Haknyeon conceded. In his head it made sense but he couldn’t put it into words. “Maybe they need to get rejected and give up on the idea? Perhaps then it’ll be easier for them process it.”

 

“Maybe. Let’s see. Juyeon left the room so there’s no one there right now. They’re gonna make a move, they’re all restless.”

 

And like Chanhee said they would, Eric and Sunwoo made a run for it, only being careful with how much noise their feet made. Haknyeon followed suit, leaving a surprised Chanhee behind.

 

Entering the room, Haknyeon looked around. Empty. The usual mess of clothing and various belongings lying around, a table with some snacks and three laptops, but no people. Haknyeon started doubting his sanity. He could swear he saw Eric and Sunwoo enter the room; where were they? Just as he turned to leave and ask Chanhee if he’d seen them enter as well, he heard loud whispering call him,

 

“Haknyeon! What are you doing here?” Eric’s voice sounded out.

 

Haknyeon frantically looked around the room, searching for the source of the whispering. That time, Haknyeon really started to question in what reality that room was.

 

“Under the bed, dumbass!” Sunwoo’s voice cleared his questions about the whole eerie affair. Haknyeon kneeled to the floor and looked under the bed.

 

“What are you doing under there?” He questioned.

 

There was no time for an answer as Sangyeon and Juyeon’s animated voices could be heard fast approaching.

 

“Quick, get under that bed!” Sunwoo urged him. 

 

Haknyeon obliged and dived under the opposing bunk bed, holding his breath as the club members entered the room. After the whole committee entered, the door was closed and locked.  _ I’m stuck in here now… Great. _

 

“It feels so good to have this time out. This era’s been really taxing.” Juyeon said, stretching and sitting down on his chair.

 

Jaehyun and Sangyeon did the same. “Enjoy every last minute of it. From what I could gather, we’re about to have a busy month.” Sangyeon disclosed.

 

“Really? Do you know with what we will be busy?” Jaehyun asked.

 

“Fansigns and shit like that. Don’t quote me on this, but I think they intend on having us record the next title and start with the choreo in the meanwhile.”

 

Haknyeon felt a somewhat divided with that bit of information. He wanted nothing more than to go on stage, but as Juyeon had put it, the last era had been quite taxing. He could see on Eric and Sunwoo’s face some apprehension as well.

 

“Let’s commence another session of the Heterosexual Club, then.” Sangyeon announced.

 

Haknyeon took out his phone from his pocket and made sure it was on silence before doing anything else. He then proceeded to create a chat with Sunwoo and Eric. He would not stay under a bed, without communicating with anyone, for as long as the others wanted to keep the session going. And besides, Haknyeon wanted to know the other two’s thoughts on what happened.

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “This is your ‘brilliant’ plan to get into the club?? _ _ ” _

 

What Haknyeon hadn’t expected, was that Eric’s phone would have pinged so loudly. Silence enveloped the room.

 

“Was that yours?” Jaehyun asked, getting negative responses from the other two.

 

“Then whose?” Sangyeon pondered.

 

“Someone probably left their phone in here, ignore it and put on some music.”

 

The three intruders collectively silently let out a breath of relief. Being caught so early would be extremely embarrassing. Waiting for Eric and Sunwoo to put their phones on silence, Haknyeon messaged the chat again.

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “Turn off the sound and vibration. you’re terrible infiltrators” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “Where did this chat come from” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “I just made it” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “HAK YOURE RUINING THE PLAN” _

  
  


_ Haknyeon  _

_ “Did they seriously just put on eminem?” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “You’re not insulting eminem in this household” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “Sorry Eric but I have to side with Haknyeon here. This is trash” _

 

Haknyeon saw Eric elbow Sunwoo who shushed him.

 

_ Eric _

_ “And you call yourself a rapper, spitting bullshit like that…” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “Listen to Tiger JK or Yoon Mirae first and then come talk to me about rap” _

  
  


_ Haknyeon changed the group name to “Het Membership Status: processing” _

  
  


_ Sunwoo _

_ “Whats that supposed to mean” _

 

Haknyeon didn’t see any stress or bitterness in Sunwoo’s expression, but he couldn’t help but to wonder if he was still mad. Haknyeon didn’t name the group that as an attempt to call out on their sexuality (even if it did fit with that motive, which represented what Haknyeon really thought of the situation), he simply found it funny.

  
  


_ Haknyeon _

_ “That you’re not members of the club yet” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “We’ll be in no time, just you see” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “If they find you here, not only will they have your heads, they’ll make sure you’ll never say the word heterosexual again” _

  
  


_ Eric _

_ “You have a point. This wasnt too well thought out sunwoo.” _

  
  


_ Sunwoo _

_ “Shut up. It was as much as your idea as it was mine” _

 

“We need to see that new movie.” Juyeon declared, bringing everyone’s attention back to them.

 

“Which?” Sangyeon asks.

 

“I don’t remember the name but it has that really hot actress.” Juyeon says.

 

_ Eric _

_ “This is boring. It is the first time they’ve talked about girls…” _

 

“The last time we watched a movie because it had hot actresses it was horrible.” Sangyeon recalled.

 

“And you think Juyeon paid any attention to the plot?” Jaehyun laughed, “With the cleavage that shown I bet Juyeon doesn’t even remember what the movie was about.”

 

“Hey!” Juyeon protested.

 

“To be honest, you can’t expect much from any movie where every actress is dressed like that.” Sangyeon said.

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “You’ve chosen the most basic het role models you could have chosen.” _

 

Sunwoo sent him a fulminating glare.

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “Shut up!! At least they watch movies with hot girls.” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “Figures” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “Figures what you punk??” _

  
  


_ Eric _

_ “I think he’s calling you a basic het” _

 

This time Sunwoo elbowed Eric who winced and brought his hand to cover his mouth. 

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “Nothing we didnt know already” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “I’m gonna kick your ass when we get out. _

 

_ Eric _

_ “Thats a good point tho. How are we getting out without them realising we were in here?” _

  
  
  


_ Haknyeon _

_ “I can text jacob asking him to create a distraction when they leave” _

  
  


_ Sunwoo _

_ “NO! The more people know we did this, the more probable it is for them to find out” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “I guess we’re just gonna have to be prepared to stay here all day” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “This has to be one of the most uncomfortable places i’ve ever been in. Theres some random underwear here. Who the fuck just throws underwear under the bed??” _

  
  


“Guys, isn’t the new soccer season starting shortly?” Jaehyun asked the other two.

 

“I think so. But why? There’s no game this week, is there?” Sangyeon answered.

 

“I don’t know but we have to sign up for the fantasy premier league thing.” Jaehyun said.

 

“Right. Don’t you think you’re taking  _ my  _ United players away from me this season.” Juyeon threatened Jaehyun.

 

“If you take away all of  _ my _ Arsenal players like the last time, then I might.”

 

“Yeah, keep the conflict between yourselves and leave my players alone.” Sangyeon laughed.

 

_ Eric _

_ “Isnt that Younghoon’s bed?” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “Are you done talking about god knows whose underwear?” _

  
  


_ Haknyeon _

_ “They’re Younghoon’s, apparently. Do you have anything better to talk about tho?” _

 

“Guys, we forgot we need a fourth person to create our league.” Sangyeon pointed out.

 

“You’re right. We can ask Younghoon.” Juyeon suggested.

 

“Or we can ask literally anyone else.” Jaehyun said.

 

“Why?”

 

“Younghoon’s favorite team is also Arsenal.” Sangyeon explained.

 

“Really? I thought it was Leicester or something.”

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “I can think of a dozen other topics right off the top of my head.” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “Shoot” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “How about we don’t talk and do what we came here to do? _

_ Which is, to spy on them.” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “I didnt come here for that. _

_ And do you really wanna hear them talk about fantasy football?? It manages to be worse than Eric’s video games.” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “FUCK YOU I’M RIGHT HERE. But tell me then, what did you come here for??” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “To spy on us” _

 

Eric’s expression turned into genuine shock. Haknyeon felt bad. He had actually been spying on them all week. Well, not spying. More like keeping an eye on them.

 

_ Eric _

_ “Care to explain yourself??” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “I wasnt spying lol. I saw them preparing the room and then saw you guys come here. I was gonna ask you if you had been accepted. Clearly, its not the case” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “Uhm guys…” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “What eric??” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “I think i need to sneeze” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “yOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “LOL” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “AFTER THE WORK IT TOOK US TO GET HERE, YOURE NOT GONNA RUIN IT TO FUCKING SNEEZE!” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “This has next-level comedic value” _

 

_ Sunwoo _

_ “You’re gonna have to show me where the comedy is when you have your ass handed to you” _

 

_ Haknyeon _

_ “Hey I’m clearly innocent here” _

 

_ Eric _

_ “Sunwoo, I’m so sorry” _

  
  
  


\---

 

“They’re really mad at us.” Haknyeon stated the obvious.

 

After being caught, they’d been sent to Eric’s room, as if they were misbehaved children. Which theoretically, they were. 

 

Eric sat on his bed, Sunwoo pulled up a chair opposite to him sitting with his chest leaning against the back of the chair. and Haknyeon stood by the closed door.

 

“Eric, I think we need to talk.” Sunwoo said. Eric nodded in accordance. “But first, Haknyeon. I’m sorry about the way I lashed out at you on the other day. And most of the week.”

 

“It’s ok.” Haknyeon responded. He didn’t take Sunwoo actions with offense. There was more to it than irritability or annoyance.

 

“It’s really not. I hope you understand why I acted like that. All of this hasn’t been easy. Not that that serves as an exc-” 

 

“Don’t worry, Sunwoo. I understand. No hard feelings here.”

 

“So, I guess we ought to start, no? It’s been delayed enough and I don’t like this tension we have between us.” Sunwoo prompted, clearly nervous.

 

“I think I’ll take my leave now, then.” Haknyeon said, holding the door knob.

 

“No!” Sunwoo called out. “Please stay. I don’t trust myself to not run away from this. And we’re both clearly emotionally ill-equipped to handle this. I think we could use a mediator for the time being. To make sure we can actually talk things out.”

 

“If you really want me to…” Haknyeon conceded, letting go of the knob and leaning back on the door. “Eric, are you fine with me being here?”

 

“Yeah,” Eric faced Sunwoo. “Can I start?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“Why did you do that?”

 

Haknyeon saw Sunwoo go deep into thought. Did he know why? Would he want to say that why? Maybe he didn’t even know why he did that. Or maybe he just wanted to present his thoughts right? No matter the reason, the silence made Haknyeon slightly uneasy. Eric on the other hand, was extremely uneasy. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he played with his phone, flipping it over and over.

 

“I tried to search for a reason ever since it happened. The only logical reason would be related to things I clearly can’t and don’t want to deal with. Nonetheless, I owe it to you to try my hardest to answer all your questions.” Sunwoo said, passing the ball to Eric’s court. “I’m afraid I’ve made you face the same sort of things.”

 

“You have and I’m terrified.” Eric confirmed. “But what’s done is done. What I most want to know is where you stand. Do you have feelings for me? Is that why you kissed me? Please be truthful.”

 

Sunwoo burrowed his face in his arms. “No.” He muttered.

 

“Sunwoo,” Haknyeon intervened, “face him.”

 

Reluctantly, Sunwoo faced Eric who stared at him, waiting for a definitive answer. “No. I’ve ruled out that hypothesis already. Regardless of whatever my sexuality might be, I’m pretty sure I don’t have feelings for you.”

 

“Good. Because I don’t have feelings for you either.” Eric deadpanned. “Sorry, that sounded meaner than what I intended it to be. What I mean is that this saves us an additional trouble.” 

 

“About the ‘why I kissed you’ thing, let me try to explain.”

 

“Sure. Take your time.”

 

Haknyeon could see Eric was a ball of nerves behind the collected façade he put on. He couldn’t blame him. Haknyeon only worried that that façade might’ve exploded at anytime, leaving behind a hysterical Eric. That’s something neither he or Sunwoo knew how to deal with.

 

“I’m not sure myself. I don’t know what I felt at the time. It all felt like I was under a spell where I couldn’t process things clearly. I wondered what it’d be like. To kiss a guy. And I think that desperation I pathetically tried to put the blame on, might’ve helped me lose control as well.”

 

Haknyeon thought it’d be best to leave at that point. It was something that had to be dealt by the two of them, preferably by themselves. “I think I’m gonna leave now.”

 

“But…” Sunwoo intervened. “Ok-”

 

“You’ll be fine. You’re both being surprisingly mature about this. I believe you guys can sort things out without my help. If something goes wrong just call for me.”

 

“Ok. Thank you for being here for us, Haknyeon.” Eric acknowledged.

 

After Haknyeon left, Eric responded, “I think I understand. I can’t say I haven’t had the urge to kiss a guy. And I suppose the more we suppress it, the more violent will the outburst be.”

 

“I…” Sunwoo bursted into tears and Eric did not expect that. He didn’t know very well what to do. “I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know how to accept whatever I am. I don’t know anything!” Sunwoo confessed in between sobs, hiding his face in his arms again. “I’m so fucking clueless and it’s fucking horrible. This is the only thing I think about and I can’t tell you how many times I cried out of frustration just this week.”

 

Eric didn’t have a pleasant time either, but he realised Sunwoo was having it much harder. If Eric’s problem focused on himself, Sunwoo’s entire world was being shaken by his.

 

“Sunwoo, come here.”

 

“What?”

 

“Come here. Sit beside me.” Eric requested and Sunwoo did as he was told. Wiping the tears off his face with his sleeve, he moved next to Eric.

 

“Look,” Eric held Sunwoo’s hand tight. “I know how you feel. I know how fucking horrible is to feel so helpless. Like you’re wrong; your very nature is faulted.” Sunwoo kept crying, tightening his grip on Eric’s hand as if on it depended his life. “I know exactly what you’re going through.” Eric felt his own tears starting to appear. He tried to keep his composure for Sunwoo even though he felt like breaking down in sobs as well. “We have a lot to learn. We have a long way to make until we can accept ourselves. Repressing it will only lead to this. We don’t want to feel like this, do we?” 

 

That’s what common sense told Eric. He was not sure at all off what he said. 

 

“I’m so afraid, Eric.” Sunwoo said. “This is not what I wanted. This is not what I asked for. Why did it have to be me? I just want to be normal. Why can’t I just ignore this forever?”

 

Everything Sunwoo said resonated all too well with Eric.  _ I just want to be normal _ . Those were the exact words he had thought oh so many times before.

 

Sunwoo wiped his eyes with his sleeve again. “I’m sorry. I’m making this all about myself. You’re clearly having it rough as well.”

 

“It's fine, Sunwoo. Right now, you need me to be here for you more than I need you to be here for me.” Eric wiped away his tears as well. “We’ll make it through this, Sunwoo.”

 

Sunwoo lay his head on Eric’s shoulder, exhausted. “I’m so scared...”

 

“We’ve got each other, Sunwoo. We’ve got Haknyeon. We can talk with Chanhee or Kevin…” Eric tried to comfort Sunwoo. “Hell, if worse comes to worst, we can even go to Juyeon.” Eric joked, making Sunwoo laugh, probably for the first time in a week.


	4. Chapter 4

Sunwoo stared out the open window at the lights shining throughout Seoul. No concrete thoughts occurred to him at the moment. Everything felt hazy since the breakdown. He felt stupid for breaking like that. Weak and vulnerable, with his most feared secrets out in the open. He thought of what it would’ve been like if someone had entered on both of them crying. Sunwoo had no idea of what could possibly serve as an excuse.

 

The cold wind felt refreshing. He could not exactly say what, but he felt dirty. Maybe not dirty but like something was physically wrong with him. He figured he should go through his skincare routine and go to bed. Maybe he’d wake up feeling better, ready to face his day normally.

 

His stomach rumbled and he realised he hadn’t eaten anything for several hours. He didn’t feel like eating. Maybe he should really go to bed.

 

“How are you doing?” Haknyeon’s voice brought him back to reality. Sunwoo looked inwards and saw it was just Haknyeon. Usually, no one but Eric stayed awake at these hours.

 

“Shittily.” Sunwoo went back to staring at the skyline. Haknyeon slid the window further open and joined him.

 

“I figured.” Haknyeon said with a small laugh. “I take it you don’t wanna talk?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then I’ll talk enough for the both us.” Haknyeon flashed Sunwoo a smile. Sunwoo let a tiny smile appear. He admired Haknyeon’s will to make other people happy. It was something really pure about him.

 

“When you see a satellite photograph, do you ever think we have too much light?” Sunwoo felt a bit lost. He was prepared for some kind of emotional talk he’d have to shut down but he let Haknyeon continue.

 

“When I see sceneries like this one, the entire city shining so brightly, I wonder how much of it is really necessary. You can’t see a single star in the sky. Maybe people here in the city have already forgotten what stars are. When I was a kid I had a complicated relationship with the night sky. On the one hand, it is beautiful. It just extends as far as the eye can see and it’s all sprinkled with stars. And then the moon. I love the moon. When you’re in the countryside the moon replaces all this electric light. When it is a full moon you can see everything perfectly. You don’t have to carry a flashlight around with you.

 

Back in Jeju, I had all these places I liked to stare at the moon. Sometimes the other kids and I would go to the middle of the field and just walk around, exploring. Our moms would scold us when we went back home, though. They said some wild beast or an evil person could do us harm. I can now see how their concern was valid but everything was so peaceful, I doubt we’d get in much trouble. But sometimes I’d go alone to the beach. The beach at night is a really cool place. It changes so drastically you don’t think you’re in the same place you were during the day. There’s no people, the sand is cold, the sea reflects the moonlight beautifully. Not that the sunlight reflected on the water isn’t pretty. They’re different things. I guess it’s that difference that make each unique.

 

But on the other hand, the sky’s immensitude would get me thinking about all those existential questions people associate with the outer space. How far does this universe go? Is it really so empty and cold outside? Thinking about how there’s so much out there made me kinda claustrophobic.” Haknyeon laughed at the seemingly silly association. Sunwoo himself didn’t understand how he could feel claustrophobic due to the space’s infinite expanse.

 

“I felt trapped on this planet. I felt really tiny and like I was doomed to stay on Earth my entire life and could never know what was out there. Nowadays that’s not really an issue for me. The Earth is so big in our scale and there’s so much left to discover, that there’s no point in worrying about outer space.

 

Back to Seoul. When you see the photographs, you see a spreading blob of yellow coming out of Seoul to cover the entire south. When you look at North Korea, you basically can only see Pyongyang. It’s funny how we’re in both extremes. Maybe we should find a common ground. Should we really have this much light? Where’s the nature? Have we forsaken it completely for the life in the city? Personally, those moments we spent in the nature, like that one show we filmed last summer, are moments I really appreciate. I wouldn’t trade this for anything, but I do miss the countryside. This being us and what we do, not Seoul. There’s really not much point in talking about North Korea’s case is there? But there’s something that has me really curious. So much of the country must be in its natural state, unchanged, untainted. It must be beautiful. Of course that if we reunited tomorrow, we’d ruin it with mass tourism.”

 

“The city lights send you into quite the reflection.” Sunwoo commented.

 

“Hahaha, I guess so. My mind is always going at one hundred miles per hour.”

 

They stared in silence for a few minutes before Haknyeon bid Sunwoo goodnight and went to bed.

 

“Don’t catch a cold! Go to bed soon.”

  
  
  


\---

 

 

It must’ve been close to one in the morning, Chanhee figured. He’d been trying to fall asleep for an hour but he saw no success. Eric’s bedside lamp faintly illuminated the room with a cozy shade of yellow. The light was by no means keeping him awake. And while he could pinpoint Eric coming into the room, changing and rummaging through his stuff as a reason to not fall asleep, he knew he was simply not tired.

 

He’d given up on mindlessly scrolling on his phone a while before, so, Eric speaking out of the blue, proved itself a nice distraction, “Chanhee, I’m scared.”

 

Chanhee took some seconds to process what the other had said. What was he scared of? Ghosts? Monsters under the bed? Juyeon coming in in the middle of the night to kill him? All seemed very unlikely. Well, the former two seemed the most unlikely as Eric had never expressed such fears in the year they’d been rooming together. His tone sounded serious, though.

 

“What are you scared of?”

 

The question went unanswered for about twenty seconds, Chanhee figured.

 

“I’m scared of being bisexual.” Eric finally confessed.

 

It’s not that Chanhee didn’t know. He only talked about that with Haknyeon for the entire week. But that didn’t make him any less surprised. He was completely unprepared for it. Chanhee hummed, signaling he was processing the information.

 

“That’s all you’re gonna say?” Eric asked, his voice somewhat indignant.

 

“No, sorry. I’m just thinking about what you said. This caught me by surprise.”

 

The sudden confession put him at a lost. He couldn’t discuss it with Haknyeon. Not only did he have to answer Eric, he wouldn’t be the one to tell Haknyeon. As much as he loved to gossip, for Chanhee, some things just weren’t meant to be gossiped about. The revelation showed Eric was conscious of his difference for some time. He had definitely put some thought into it. One doesn’t become comfortable to share it overnight. Chanhee definitely thought it’d be something much more repressed, given that the whole ordeal with the Heterosexual Club was still happening.

 

“Really? I thought that if anyone suspected it, it’d be you.”

 

“Oh, I did suspect it. I just did not expect you to outright say that.”

 

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot in the past week. This is something really scary and I don’t want to face it. Or at least alone. I thought you could help me come to terms with it; figure out what I really am. I don’t want to feel this scared anymore.”

 

Eric’s words made Chanhee remember his own inner conflict. He knew how taxing the path to self-acceptance could be. How he struggled to come out, to feel free to be himself. Chanhee could relate a lot to Eric’s situation, so as a friend, he would not let Eric face this alone.

 

“I’m here for you. With all that I can help, I will. If there’s anything you want to talk about, please don’t hesitate.”

 

“Thank you, Chanhee. That means a lot. It really does.” A call for help could be heard in Eric’s voice. “Can I ask you something right now?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“How was it for you? How did you know? how did you deal with it?”

 

And so, Chanhee told him of how in middle school he had a crush on a classmate. He never told anyone; who’s gonna announce their crush so promptly? But soon after, the reasons for secrecy were no longer shy and innocent. One day he heard how adults talked about gay people; “What are they thinking; organizing such a degenerate event?” “I wonder why the government lets them.” “Why do they want to bring this to Korea?” “It’s just not natural.” “If my kids told me they wanted to be like that, I don’t think I could face them anymore.”

 

For a young, impressionable child, something like that is definitely not what Chanhee wanted to hear at the time. So he locked it deep inside, forgetting about it. But people’s natures can’t be locked away forever. At the start of high school, it popped up again. There had come the time in one’s teenage years where those things take up more importance than they did before. His capability to analyze things had definitely improved from his middle school years. That meant he knew he could not escape it; that he not only had to accept himself, he had to accept that living as a LGBT person in Korea meant a lot of hiding.

 

Something definitely worked in his favor after finishing school. The professional path he chose did not leave much time or room to think about dating.

 

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that.” Eric said. Chanhee could feel sadness in his voice. Eric could certainly relate to some things. Other things simply brought up sympathy.

 

“It’s ok. I’m doing fine nowadays. Kevin, Changmin and I helped each other a lot in our trainee years. And I’m doing what I love. We’re not flopping and we’re gaining more fans with every and each comeback. I couldn’t ask for more.”

 

With age, dealing with this kind of adversity becomes easier and easier. That was the main point Chanhee tried to get across.

 

“How is it like to live here?” Eric asked.

 

“What?”

 

“You know… in the dorm… with eleven other guys?”

 

“Oh. It’s fine really. Everyone in this house is a moron; do you think I would like any of them? Sure, everyone’s pretty hot. But after two weeks they’re just that, hot morons. Knowing them, I want nothing to do with them.”

 

“So, who do you wanna fuck then?” Eric asked with a mischievous, but still nervous laugh.

 

Chanhee choked at that. Whether he ever wanted to fuck any of his group mates was the type of information that would never leave Chanhee’s lips.

 

“In what world do you think I’d tell you that?” Chanhee asked, peeking down to Eric’s bed to send him a menacing glare. He saw Eric had an impish smile, but it was a poor mask for the panic and apprehension he really felt. Chanhee noticed Eric’s small attempts to divert his gaze elsewhere, to not face him. He figured Eric still felt too vulnerable look at him without feeling uncomfortable and far too exposed. So Chanhee lay back down.

 

“Oh come on, I bet you tell that to Changmin.”

 

“Changmin? We don’t really talk about sex, since he doesn’t care for it. So, if anything, we’d talk about who we like. But I’ve never liked anyone in this house and I intend to keep it that way so quit nosing around.”

 

“Fine, fine.”

 

Silence covered the room once again. It’d be a lie if Chanhee said he’d never felt attracted to a fellow member. He couldn’t deny that maybe he’d given those attractions more thought than they deserved. But that was in the beginning, before debuting, when they started to assemble as a team. Those thoughts rarely crossed his mind one year after debut. They were coworkers; housemates; friends. He couldn’t develop a crush on anyone even if he tried.

 

“Hey, Chanhee,”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thank you. I’m still scared, you know? But I feel a glimpse of hope forming in me. Haknyeon offered himself to help me if I needed; I know I can count on you as well.”

 

“Haknyeon?” Chanhee asked. Did Haknyeon know something he didn’t?

 

“Yeah. I know you’ve been convening with him all week, talking about me and Sunwoo. You’re not very discreet.” Eric teased. 

 

“Hey!”

 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t take it badly. I know you can’t resist the temptation to gossip.” Now Eric’s tone was completely taunting.

 

“Ignoring the hurtful jabs you’re throwing at me,” Chanhee faked offense, playing along. “How is Haknyeon involved in this? Did you tell him?”

 

“No. He saw Sunwoo and I kissing.”

 

“HE SAW WHAT?” Despite playing matchmaker with Haknyeon the past week, for it to be true was what he least expected. Chanhee realized he had just yelled out in the middle of the night so he covered his mouth as if that would remediate it. “Sorry, I’m…”

 

“It’s ok, I had the same reaction. But I had a week to process it.”

 

“You two… kissed?” Chanhee asked for confirmation.

 

“Technically, he kissed me, but yeah. We talked about it. We both established that we don’t have feelings for each other.”

 

“Then why did he kiss you?”

 

“He said it was an impulse thing. Look, I can’t say with total confidence that he was telling the truth, but it seemed so. At least from my side, there are no feelings whatsoever.”

 

“So… My intuition was right all along.” Chanhee grinned mostly to himself.

 

“Funny. I was certain Haknyeon had told you. It seems one can trust him with a secret afterall.”

 

“What does that mean for you two then? On what footing are you on?”

 

Eric sighed. “I don’t know? When we spoke earlier today, we just settled that we have no feelings for each other. We’re best friends, and that’s how it’s gonna stay. Any other thing feels wrong. It’s probably just like you said; I can’t like him, even if I tried.”

 

“That’s good, that you both know what you feel for each other.”

 

“Yeah. After we settled that, he broke down. He’s struggling with this much more than I am. Which says something about how he is. I kinda broke down too but I tried to be there for him. My heart aches when I remember the state he was in. I hate thinking that he’s suffering so much. And that’s the funny thing; why do I want him to accept himself and be happy, and I can’t wish the same thing for myself?”

 

“He’s your friend. You want the best for him. When you look at his issue, you can see it objectively. When you look at yourself, you’re automatically biased. You’re not gonna want to be a disappointment to anyone you care about. You’re not going to want to make your life harder.”

 

“I guess so. This is all too new for me. I mean, it’s not that new, but all these emotions I’m feeling right now are. I feel so overwhelmed.”

 

“It’ll be alright, Eric. If you need anything, let me know.”

 

Eric hummed in response, aloof Chanhee figured. A few minutes passed in silence.

 

“I wonder how Sunwoo’s doing. Is he crying into his pillow or did he fall asleep already? How can I be there for him if I can’t be there for myself?”

 

“Being beside him and letting him know he’s not alone is the most you can do. And believe me, it is already incredibly helpful. Give Sunwoo time. Like you, he’s also very overwhelmed right now. Give him time to process things. He’ll come around. He will have to inevitably.

 

I’m not going to talk to him unless he talks to me first. Officially, I don’t know you two kissed. But encourage him to talk to someone. If you don’t think you can handle it well enough, suggest him Haknyeon as he already knows. Or if he’s feeling brave and wants someone who went through it, tell him to speak to Kevin, Changmin or me. Just try to make him understand he can’t fight every battle by himself.”

 

“I will try. You know, that’s something I realised back there. When I saw the despair in Sunwoo’s eyes, I truly understood that. We can’t get by with only ourselves to rely on. And that’s why I wanna thank you. When I caught you spying on me this week, I could see it was out of care and not intrusiveness. Thank you for caring.”

 

“You’re welcome, Eric. You know I care for you as if you were my own little brother.”

 

“Yes, I know. Goodnight Chanhee.”

 

“Goodnight Eric.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I'll be updating this shortly and regularly. Feel free to leave a comment or contact me @marksolji on twitter.


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